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Young Writers Society



Hoofbeats Pound

by Conrad Rice


He heard the hoofbeats long before the source was visible. A sigh escaped from his lips. This had gone on long enough. The time had come to stop running. An accounting was due.

The man-horse came over the green hill. He was like an animated statue, perfectly formed. And why would he not be? This was the son of a god, after all. He could be nothing but handsome.

His pursuer galloped up to him and came to a halt. Dust swirled about and he closed his eyes to protect them. When everything settled, he opened them and stared the man-horse down.

“So, you’ve found me,” he said.

“You’ve known I was looking for you?” the man-horse asked, his voice deep and almost guttural.

“When Hipperion, Lord of Horses, is looking for you, you know it.”

Hipperion snorted.

He laughed. “Well, you’ve caught me. We are far from the home of the gods. Slay me, as you set out to do.”

“I did not set out to kill you,” Hipperion stated.

“No?” He was confused now. “I lowered your father to a mortal level, along with all of the other gods. Have they not sent you to judge me?”

“The gods may deal with their grievances in their own time,” Hipperion said. “Besides, I do not think that you were wholly wrong, Uriel of the mountains and light.”

He winced. “That’s not my name. Not anymore. I’m only Tom of the Road now.”

Hipperion paused, looking over Tom. “You fear me, my uncle. I told you I was not here to harm you.”

“The spear in your hand speaks its own language,” Tom replied. “Now that you have assured me I am not to die, I fear for my life again. Before, I was ready for an end, whatever end that might be. Now, though, I know I may continue, that I don’t have to die now. Ask me what you will, and leave me alive.”

Hipperion lowered the point of his spear into the ground and leaned on it a slightly. “Where did you go, after you fled from my father’s wrath?”

“Here and there,” Tom said. “As well as other places.”

“But where, exactly?” Hipperion pressed. “And how did you get there?”

Tom paused. “Why do you wish to know? What do my wanderings mean to you?”

Hipperion stamped his hoof. “Tell me.”

Tom faltered a little, but held his ground. “Tell me why, and then you will know.”

Hipperion glowered, snorted, and sighed. “Nothing suits me anymore.”

“You are the son of a god. You have everything in this world.”

“None of it is what I seek. Neither girl nor mare may satisfy me. My father and his family tire me. Though they spent seventeen years without powers, most of them have not learned anything. And my father has learned the wrong things. He is too restrictive with his worshipers.”

“Unfortunate,” Tom said. “I shall steer clear of the temples of Urizen then. And, I see now what you want. You want to wander, to see new things, to explore. Perhaps you seek to find a place where you are needed for things other than the schemes of your father’s house.”

Hipperion nodded. “Such a place would be welcome.”

Tom smiled. “There are other worlds than this one, Lord of Horses, worlds so numerous no mind has been able to count them all. Those who know the way may go back and forth between them. I found such a way, when I fled the Hallowed Halls forever.”

Hipperion’s eyes grew wide in interest. “Where would such a way be?”

“On the shores of the Western Sea, not far from the Hallowed Halls,” Tom said. “You will know when you have found it. I assure you, it works. I have been to enough of these worlds to know lifetimes while only a few years have passed on this one. You were lucky to have caught me. I was about to make my way back there to travel again.”

The two were silent now. Tom watched his nephew as he thought. There was a possibility of what the demigod might do next. And if the opportunity was offered, he would not refuse.

“I believe you, Uncle,” Hipperion said. “I have grown tired of this world, though I am honored here. By your leave, I shall use this way as well.”

“It’s not my place to keep from you,” Tom said. “You can use it if you want. But, would you not like some company? We are both going the same way. A companion is a welcome addition to a long journey.”

Hipperion nodded. “I would appreciate a companion in my journeys.” He stood back and neighed to the hills. After a few moments, a horse came galloping up. It approached Hipperion. He took it’s head and held it to his chest, murmuring soft words. It nickered, and he let it go.

“She will bear you on our journey,” he said to Tom. He nodded, and walked over to the animal. With a slight bound, he threw himself onto her back. She swayed a little under his weight, but did not bolt. He straightened himself and sat upright.

“Will I need a saddle?” Tom asked Hipperion.

Hipperion shook his head. “No horse shall be bound while I am near.”

“Then I am ready,” Tom said.

“Then our journeys begin,” Hipperion said. The two continued on down the road, the sun setting behind the mountains before them.

This is for Caligula's Chorus Contest. The song for it is Violence in the Snowy Fields by Dolorean. The word prompt is exodus.


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Mon May 04, 2009 2:47 am
Juniper wrote a review...



Coon! June here!

I love your fiction. It's always wonderfully clear, and always, always enjoyable to read. Since this is for a contest, I'm going to go nitpicky on you here. ;)

He was like an animated statue, perfectly formed. And why would he not be? This was the son of a god, after all. He could be nothing but handsome.


I would eliminate that like; I know that you are comparing him to a statue, but, if you use this in the figurative sense, I think it would sound much cooler. I'm aware of how ridiculous I sound, not being able to back up my statement with a proper reason, but the "like" just stood out a bit. :P


Hipperion lowered the point of his spear into the ground and leaned on it a slightly.


Watch that stray "a", dear. ;)

There was a possibility of what the demigod might do next.


This line was so, so confusing, dear. I'm not quite sure what was meant by this? :)


Hipperion nodded. “I would appreciate a companion in my journeys.” He stood back and neighed to the hills. After a few moments, a horse came galloping up.



I think the last sentence here needs to be reworded, dear. Possibly something more along the lines of "A few moments later, a horse came, galloping up the hill."

I said this because the ending of a line with "galloping up" sounds a bit incomplete, dear. :)


He nodded, and walked over to the animal.


Kill that comma ;).



The two continued on down the road, the sun setting behind the mountains before them.


I think that "continued on" shall be changed to "started off" or something along that line, because it seems as if they are heading in a direction that they did not come from. Because this event has such importance, it seems wrong to have this take place at a pause in a walk.


- * -


So!

I found this pretty interesting.

It was evident that there was tension present whilst the two of them spoke. You did that wonderfully; it wasn't overly hostile or anything-- very nicely executed, dear.


I kind of want to know more about the horse that comes at the end :P. This probably has to do with me always wanting side characters to be expanded on and such, but I would like to know a bit more information about this horse. XD


I can only suggest throwing in a bit more description. :P It would kind of be nice to know what happens afterwards as well.

Very nice piece, Coon. Well done as always. ;) Keep up the amazing work.

-- June ;)

*gold stars and sneaks away*




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Sun May 03, 2009 4:38 pm
Rosendorn wrote a review...



I told you I'd review this, didn't I?

He was an animated statue, perfectly formed.


Hmm, so does this mean Hipperion is marble/stone like other statues, or is it just that he's perfectly formed?

Now to decide if there should be more clarification or if this line is supposed to be vague.

I’m just Tom of the Road now.”


"Just" is bugging me here. I find it doesn't fit with the formal style of dialogue you have in the rest of this work.

leaned on it a little.


"A little" strikes again! :P I'd replace it with "slightly" to fit the tone better.

I was about to make my way back there to travel again.”


This line... It's so round about that there are too many meanings, or not enough. There are just so many pronouns and prepositions; the sentence is very hard to understand.

And if the opportunity was offered, he would not refuse.


Who is the "he" here?

He nodded, and walked over to the animal.


This comma both disrupts flow and is not grammatically correct. Nix. ^_^

He straightened himself and sat upright.


These two actions are almost contradicting themselves. I'd add "on the horse" after "straightened"to make this clearer.

Wait... I just realized he's ridding bareback. Saddles are usually appreciated for long rides. ;) (unless you make mention to state the contrary)

~

Oh-kay, what do say here...

Just about everything in hare is part of a certain style, it seems. Which means if I tell you to change something it might not happen. :P

Anyways, I'd watch for consistency in dialogue and description. The tone here is really formal, and you have to be careful you don't slip into modern language. ;) I have pointed most of those locations out.

The whole "nephew" thing confused me slightly. It took me a few rereads to get that clear in my head. Still, I'm not 100% sure. Could be that I'm not familiar with this myth, but I'd still make that a little bit clearer.

The way the song and word fit was very well done. Nice work!

Questions? Drop me a line.

~Rosey




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Sat May 02, 2009 4:54 pm
gyrfalcon wrote a review...



He heard the hoofbeats long before the origin was visible.


Maybe this is just me, but I’d chose “source” over “origin”—it almost sounds like you’re talking about the origin of all hoofbeats ever. ;)

This had gone on long enough. The time had come to stop running. An accounting was due.


I’d say, pick two out of three—they all convey the same basic information, and while two is good and reinforcing, three begins to verge on redundant.

He was an animated statue, perfectly formed.


Literally, or are we being poetical? It’s hard to tell in a fantasy story (which this became the instant you used the word “man-horse”) so if this character was not literally a statue at one point in his life, why don’t you make it “like an animated statue.”

Dust swirled about and he closed his eyes to protect them.


Do you mean your mc or the man-horse? I assume the mc, but it’s a bit confusing, and I know it’s hard to delineate when you haven’t named them yet.

“When Hipperion, Lord of Horses, is looking for you, it is something you know well.”


Gah, seems an awfully twisted and confusing way of saying something simple. “you can’t help but know” “is looking for you, you know” etc. Rewording needs to happen, I think.

“The spear in your hand speaks its own language,”


Great line.

“Where did you go, after you fled before my father’s wrath?”


I know what you mean, but it sounds like he’s saying that Tom fled before the wrath ever occurred, not fled from the wrath.

Tom watched his nephew as he thought. There was a possibility of what the demigod might do next.


Two things—not clear who the “he” is that’s thinking, probably Hipperion, but maybe make it clearer (“while the horse-man thought” or such). Also, the second sentence, it does not please. There are obviously lots of possibilities of what Hipp might do next, if you mean a specific one then delineate it from the others, even by just an adjective: “there was the possibility that the demigod would do something unpleasant next” you see?

“It’s not my way to keep from you,” Tom said. “You can use it if you want. But, would you not like some company? We are both going the same way.


You use the word “way” an awful lot, and this is a particular instance of it.

“She will bear you on our journey,” he said to Tom. He nodded, and walked over to the animal. With a slight bound, he threw himself onto its back. It swayed a little under his weight, but did not bolt.


You’ve established that the horse is a mare, therefore it would be better to say “she” instead of “it.”


What can I say? You know I really enjoy your work. Keep writing!




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Fri May 01, 2009 9:04 am
Hippie wrote a review...



This looks a lot like my fist drafts - that is, lots of dialogue, but not much else yet. Which is okay for a first draft, but something to work on when you edit this. For example, the only thing I know about their surroundings is that there is a green hill, and that the ground is quite dry, hence the swirls of dust. You do also show a sunset and mountains at the very end, but it would have been nice to know about them earlier, as well as other details.

As well as extra description of the surroundings, I think the characters themselves could do with more description. You've told us Hipperion was an animated statue, which is a good metaphor. However, it isn't very specific, and there is no description of Tom. You could also describe the horse that Hipperion summons.

Until you began calling Tom by name, I found it difficult to figure out who was speaking. Because you used the word "He" and since both characters were male it was ambiguous. I'd introduce his name earlier or use some other pronoun or tag to show that it's Tom speaking.

I have to say that the way these characters talk is complex, and even cryptic at times, and I had to read a few paragraph's twice to understand them. I would prefer to read more simple, straightforward dialogue, although I understand that you probably want to portray these characters as godly with their speech style. I'd still dumb it down a bit though.

Towards the end Hipperion's dialogue begins to improve, as it carries emotion which seems lacking from Tom. I mean - it's hard to relate to someone who says:

“Well, you’ve caught me. We are far from the home of the gods. Slay me, as you set out to do.”

In fact he doesn't simply say this. He laughs. If I thought someone was chasing me to try and kill me I wouldn't say "Oh alright, you found me, kill me then," and laugh. I'd run like hell and if it came to it, I'd attack like a dog in a corner.

It may be that you want this character to seem fearless and wise and all those things, which is fine - except I can't relate to such a person, and not many others could either. Hipperion shows promise, because he has flaws, if only a few. If you were to continue this it would have to focus on Hipperion, or Tom would need work.

I noticed the error that Corey pointed out as well, but I'd use a semicolon rather than a period as he suggested. Apart from that I didn't spot any grammar mistakes. The spelling was also perfect as far as I could tell.

Hope I've helped.




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Thu Apr 30, 2009 4:27 pm
corey_hillis wrote a review...



Wow. I am truly impressed with your writing style. It caught me into the story right off the bat. I'm not positive but i think i found an error.
“There are other worlds than this one, Lord of Horses, worlds so numerous no mind has been able to count them all.
I think after you say Lord of Horses it would be proper punctuation to put a period there and start a new sentence. But I am not sure so don't quote me on that. Other than that I thought it was excellent. Hope to see more of it soon.





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